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Building Resilience in Children and Teens - Control
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Welcome to the Building Resilience in Children Blog Series. The goal of this series is to take a look at the American Academy of Pediatrics book, Building Resilience in Children and Teens, Giving Kids Roots and Wings by Kenneth R. Ginsburg, with Martha M. Jablow. This book is a valuable resource for parents supporting children in developing skills that will make them stronger, happier and more resilient.
Building Resilience in Children and Teens - Control
When children know they can control the outcomes of their decisions and actions, they realize they have the ability to do what it takes to bounce back. They have resilience.
Part of that resilience is understanding the difference between internal and external control. Internal control is demonstrated by choices and actions that are made to determine results. They can make a difference. External control is thinking that what they do has no control over an outcome and doesn't really matter.
Dr. Ginsburg suggests a way to start helping children gain control is to help them understand that not all of life's events are purely random. Some events are the direct result of our actions and choices. While we may not have control over all circumstances, we can shift our odds with positive behavior.
Game play can help children learn inner control by making decisions and facing consequences gradually. This first step in cause and effect can be a great teaching moment for parents to show taking responsibility and not blaming others, if a move doesn't turn out in their favor. Strategy games offer practice in patience and looking ahead to anticipate outcomes.
Another element of building control through game play is delayed gratification. Children learn that decision-makers and problem-solvers control outcomes, which often leads to success at a long-term goal. These small steps build to larger ones.
A child's development of resilience depends on the ability of a parent to gradually let go of the control they have in favor of guidance, attention, and support. This gives children a safe way to test their own control, with their parents ready to offer a steady hand.
Comment on this blog to win Matter. Closes May 10, 2012. Congratulations, Lisa Pelton. You are the winner!
There are seven crucial C’s of resilience, competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping and control. These are all interwoven and essential. In the next and final blog post, we will see how all seven C's come together to build resilience!
9 Comments for Building Resilience in Children and Teens - Control
Tina Traughber | May 3, 2012 at 1:23 pm
Lisa Anderson | May 3, 2012 at 1:46 pm
"Another element of building control through game play is delayed gratification. " I find this a crucial element to our daughter and her best friend's play with each other. Taking turns is hard for the 3-5 year old set but I see each time they get together and we play a game, their ability to delay gratification and not always be first. This also comes into the fact that they have to learn to lose or win gracely. Control is paramount to achieving a gracious winner or loser!
Lisa Pelton | May 3, 2012 at 1:49 pm
Another great blog article! Thanks!
Jessica B. | May 3, 2012 at 3:39 pm
Whether my kids are creating their own game or playing one with already set rules I see them learning inner control and seeing the consequences to their actions every day. It never ceases to amaze me.
Mayla Moore | May 3, 2012 at 5:38 pm
Even though my kids are young I try to give them choices. Simple things like do they want to wear the red shirt or the green one. Only two choices but they still get to choose, giving them some control.
Elizabeth Bennett | May 3, 2012 at 7:03 pm
As long as kids are learning and grasping the concepts of any situation, that's all that 'Matters', right? 
Emilie Braunel | May 8, 2012 at 6:32 pm
I think of a good friend of mine in high school who had the worst of upbringings but is the most resilient person I've ever known. He was one who truly made lemonade out of lemons because of his strong community connections, character, confidence, and control.
Ani J. | May 8, 2012 at 10:36 pm
I have a child that is always struggling to control his environment, his emotions, other people and so on. It's always a challenge for me as a mom to provide structure and support, while still giving him space to grow, make choices, make MISTAKES and be independent from me.
Malinda | May 9, 2012 at 2:59 pm
Great post - thank you!
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